Still Becoming

★★☆☆☆
“Would not recommend, but apparently there is no return policy.”

I would first like to say that perimenopause is an absolutely wild concept.

You mean to tell me that after surviving puberty, pregnancy, childbirth, raising children, school fundraisers, travel baseball, and stepping on wrestling figures barefoot in the dark… my reward is THIS?

Interesting.

Symptoms may include:

• sweating like a Victorian woman with tuberculosis
• crying because a dog looked polite
• forgetting why you walked into a room
• sudden uncontrollable rage triggered by people breathing too loudly
• being simultaneously exhausted and unable to sleep
• becoming emotionally attached to ceiling fans

Nobody prepares you for the hot flashes.

One minute you’re fine.

The next minute your body suddenly decides you should experience the climate conditions of the surface of the sun while standing in the frozen foods aisle at Walmart.

And the memory issues?

At this point I walk into rooms like a confused Sim whose player canceled the action halfway through.

I have lost my phone while actively holding it.

I forgot a word the other day and had to describe a crockpot as “the hot food bucket.”

Sleep is also apparently no longer included.

I either:

• wake up at 3:17 AM for absolutely no reason
• have stress dreams involving missing high school classes sometime between 1990 and 1993
• or lie awake mentally replaying every awkward interaction I’ve had since birth

And can we discuss the absolute betrayal that is the sex drive situation?

Because nobody warns you that one day your libido can go from 100 miles per hour to hitting a concrete wall head on.

It’s less “not tonight” and more:

“Honestly I would rather reorganize the pantry and go to bed by 8:30.”

Romance is wonderful. Love is beautiful. But at this stage of life if someone rubs my shoulders for five minutes I’m more likely to fall asleep than become seduced.

My emotions are equally stable.

Yesterday I nearly cried because someone was mean to a fictional character on a television show.

Five minutes later I was ready to fight a stranger in traffic for merging incorrectly.

Truly a magical time.

Pros:

• less concern about other people’s opinions
• stronger boundaries
• finally understanding why older women disappeared into gardens and told everyone to leave them alone
• snacks
• the occasional feeling of absolute emotional freedom

Cons:

• all of the above
• my internal thermostat was designed by demons
• I now injure myself while sleeping
• mysterious aches
• I can no longer trust my own personality from hour to hour

Overall, perimenopause feels less like a medical condition and more like your body slowly turning into a haunted house.

Two stars because at least I’m funnier now.